Being the Fan Mail of Prince Carton of Amber Queen Elanora: And Prince Carton is not here either - but perhaps that's just as well. You can write me just as the fans below did. The best letters to Carton will be published here.

My Dear Prince Carton,

Thank you for your enquiry about our wares. We are confident that no other emporium in the Golden Circle can match the breadth of our selection or the care of our storage. This last point can not be overstressed: as you surely must suspect, poorly-stored herbs and poultices lose their potency at best. At worst, an effect quite the opposite of that intended can result. Your specifications are exacting, but the precise combination of relaxed warmth, suggestibility and quickening of the loins can be achieved, indeed has. If I may be so bold as to make the assumption that it was your elder brother, His Highness Prince Dexter, who referred you to us, I would caution only that the mixture is potent indeed, and that for efficacy and safety, you should moderate the dosage to a level well below that originally contemplated by the Steward of Arden. Baldly, the quantities your brother discussed initially would be more suitable for livestock than lasses.

Your faithful servant,

Hippocles Philos, Apothecary
Catan

Your Highness,

As your letter of this morning reminds me, I did indeed say we had no men like you in Shadow Birkenstock. I might offer, however, that if you would only travel there that that would no longer be the case, at least for a brief time.

Your servant,

Lieutenant Thea of the Shadow Guard

To His Most Excellent Minister His Highness Prince Carton,

Your Highness, it cheered we faithful Cassandrites greatly to receive the honor of your presence at our secret meeting last night. I know I can rely on your discretion, as well as that of the sixteen people who will handle this confidential missive as it passes from my hands to yours, so I write in the hope that you will resolve for me one point that has puzzled me greatly since then. As you left our premises, you urged me in whispers to "scour the corners" of our meeting place for evidence of surveillance. It afterwards came to me that that room, where I sat then and sit to this very moment, is perfectly round! So I am at something of a loss. I should be lastingly grateful for your guidance by return post, as my bladder grows somewhat overful.

Yours in Working Tirelessly for the Death of King Martin of Amber,

Councilman Monteran
Antiochan High Council

Carton,

I stand ready to teach you how we Tick-Tockian nobles deal with those who mock our hospitality and betray all decency in our homes! I advise you, I cannot say 'Sir,' to make your peace with the Master Watchmaker now. I shall part your gimpy leg from your hip with my sword cane and thrash you with it! The gall! When I have found you you shall rue the day you absconded with my daughters! They are high-born, innocent and too fine for the likes of you! As a token of the strength of my feelings I write these words in my own manly hand - normally I dictate personal correspondence to my wife but this morning she has pronounced herself unaccountably unfit to sit at the writing desk or, oddly, anywhere else. No doubt worry over the fate of her dear ones has caused her some characteristically female breakdown involving boils. Not that I have checked or would do so. But see? You so infuriate me that my mind wanders! How I shall use you when I lay hands on you! And I shall lay hands on you scant moments after I find you. And I shall find you...quite soon now, I am sure. I have resources, Carton, resources I tell you!

Your nemesis,

Lord Kent
Tick-Tock