Tom Bender was minding his own business in a bar with his good friend Tim Hague, waiting to start up a conversation with Lana Lang, when he heard the irresistable call of Epsilon Eridani IV!
Epsilon Eridani IV! Home of the most intoxicatingly (literally) delightful spirit in all of creation, the fabled Uisge Bās, the water of death. A spirit so rare it appears on only one world, and exists as the perfect opposite and counterpart to our own Uisge Beatha.
Bender found himself standing in the Last Known Pub on Epsilon Eridani IV, surrounded by the Monkey People. Their High Priest had just ordered a round for the bar, an event which hasn't taken place since the 1920s of our own world. The Publican solemnly handed Bender his glass of Uisge Bās and said "Finn be praised." The Monkey People all joined in with a chorus of "Finn be praised, all hail Mickey Finn."
Sure, Bender was confused, but then, he had yet to visit Epsilon Eridani IV and he did seem to remember that one of the Nobles that preceded him in his current office was the swashbuckling Mickey Finn. Mickey Finn had been a bartender at the most exclusive speakeasy of the Prohibition Age, and when he came into the service of Alcohol, he became a dashing hero for all those who wished hard drink. Perhaps it was he who the Monkey People expected to appear.
The High Priest spoke. "Finn, we are humbled by your presence. We are in dire straits as the evil Slug Monkeys have taken over our beautiful isle and are covering it in..."
"Slime?" guessed Bender, as he savored his Uisge Bās.
"Exactly, oh wise one. You must save us from the evil Slug Monkeys. They have taken the last known copy of the recipe for Uisge Bās and are threatening to destroy it at midnight!" Bender spat out his drink (for he hadn't been paying much attention tot he plight of the Monkey People until he found out about the recipe thing, and was quite upset at the prospect of the recipe being lost forever). Fortunately, Bender was able to keep the Uisge Bās from hitting the ground, and it looped back into his mouth for him to savor a second time.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Bender, while the Monkey People oohed and aahed at his drinking prowess.
"Yes, oh great Finn. The situation is dire indeed," chimed in the Publican. "The Slug Monkeys hold the fort of Erinn Drogh, a mighty fortress which has only been breached once in all of our history." The Monkey People all bowed their heads in despair.
"Wow. So who broke in? Sounds like we need that guy."
"Err, it was you, oh great Finn that broke into the Erinn Drogh. You remember. The chandeliers? The Cat-Women? You rescued all of the slave girls?"
"Oh yeah," lied Bender, who suddenly wished that he had been there for that. He also suddenly wished that he were even a tenth the swashbuckler that Mickey Finn had been. Still, the recipe needed saving.
The Assault on Erinn Drogh
The assault went badly. The Monkey People's plan relied on someone a little more physical than Bender, and they were all either captured or killed.
The Next Morning
Against all probability, Bender did not wake up in the dungeon cells beneath Erinn Drogh as he thought he would. Rather, he woke up with a splitting headache in bed with the first wife of the Slug Monkey Kahn. Fortunately, one of the advantages of being in bed with a Slug Monkey is that one can slip out of bed quite easily, covered in slime from head to toe as one tends to be. The main disadvantage, of course, are the pictures that go through one's head of the previous night, but Bender just sent some Jack Daniels into his head to kill those particular brain cells and forgot all the grisly details.
Escape from Erinn Drogh
Bender managed to escape from Erinn Drogh by getting the Slug Monkey guards drunk and then tricking them into drinking Margaritas in salt-rimmed glasses. Bender found the few surviving Monkey People warriors and taught them about salt.
Bender returned to the village to find the Last Known Pub a smoking ruin.
"Well, that were crap," opined the Publican.
"Come on, I bet there's an upside somewhere," suggested the ever-optimistic Bender, who was searching the ruin for some more Uisge Bās. "I think that salt thing is going to do wondeers for the war effort, for instance."
"No, the evil Slug Monkeys have destroyed the recipe. The Uisge Bās we drank last night was the last Uisge Bās that will ever be drunk."
"Damn." said Bender, who was now feeling depressed himself.
The Publican began to cry. "My family has served Uisge Bās since the day it was handed down to us by the Creator himself. We have always had a copy of the recipe. Now..." The Publican broke down crying.
Bender pulled a flask of Bushmill's out of his slimy, ragged old coat. "Here," he said, while encouraging the Bushmills to be a little better at drowning sorrows than normal.
The Publican took a sip, but continued crying, "if only there were some way to retrieve the lost original stone tablets that the creator gave us the recipe on!"
Bender tried to comfort the Publican.
The Publican took another sip. "Oh, why didn't we summon you earlier?" Bender thought that would have been a good idea. "Now everything is ruined!" Bender sort of agreed with that too. "Oh, if only there were some way to retrieve the stone tablets from the bottom of the Great Martini Lake!"
"Now, now, no use crying over... what? What was that about a lake?"
"Hmm? Oh, the original recipe was lost at the bottom of the Great Martini Lake two centuries ago. No one can dive that far down, though, not even you when you tried in 1926, remember?"
"Take me to the lake."
Bender Saves the Day
Bender drank the Great Martini Lake. He was drunk for quite some time afterward, but the day was saved, the recipe returned to the Monkey People, and frankly, Bender would have been drunk all that time anyway.
