Favorite stories of Amber...

... by our heroes. During the voyage out from Gleamingrose on the Morning Glory, the adventurers took turns closing the evening with their favorite myths of ancient Amber. Sometimes the stories had ulterior motives, such as Starwind's parable of fatal jealousy and Delve's cautionary tale of the limits of soothsaying. Sometimes not.

Index of Stories

• The Tale of Cane and Able - Fisher
• The Tale of Three Cities - Delve
• Behemoth's Tale - Behemoth
• The Tale of the Knight of the Rose Sword - Starwind
• The Tale of Fish and the Wyrm of Cain - Turtle
• The Tale of Dovehawk, Raven and Eagle - Seeker

Behemoth's Tale

by Behemoth

Behemoth clears his throat and tries to look respectable.

"Once upon a time in a land known as Amber, there were two rogues by the name of Caine and Gerard, who stole from the rich and gave to the poor in order to seriously annoy their brother, the Prince Eric, who was ruling in the stead of his brother, Corky, the rightful king of Amber. For many years, Corky was trapped in a prison in a far-away land. I mean really far."

Behemoth pauses and spreads his arms as wide as he can, almost falling over, while saying, "REAAAAAAALLY FAR" in order to demonstrate just how far it is.

"And he was trapped there. So his brother, Eric, was ruling in his place. Eric was a right bastard, and taxed the people something awful, and so Caine, the clever one, and Gerard, the... eh, strong one, decided to steal from the rich and give to the poor in order to be right bastards to their brother Eric."

He pauses. "Now why would that bother Eric?" he muses. "Oh! Because Eric is rich, and they were stealing from him too." He frowns slightly, then smiles, and goes on.

"So, many years passed, and Cain and Gerard had many grand adventures, fighting evil, and fighting Eric, and all sorts of other grand things. Eric would get quite irate and shake his fists and say, 'Damn those two! I'll have their heads.' Like this."

Behemoth then shakes his fists and yells, "Damn those two! I'll have their heads!" Seeing the look people give him, he adds, "Because that's what irate villains do... So, anyway... Eh...

"Oh yeah! So, Eric would send his Sheriff, Julian, after them to bring them to justice."

Behemoth pauses again, then says, "You know, it's funny that he's supposed to bring them to justice... since I don't think it would be very just... Well, there's a moral lesson for ya!

"Oh, so anyway, in addition to having grand adventures and all that, they had to escape the clutches of the Sheriff. But that got a little tiresome after a while, and they being men, they had certain needs to be met.

"So one day they went to a nearby town and visited the local brothel." Behemoth gives a manic grin at that, nods rapidly and says, "Eh? Yeah? So they were in the middle of, you know." He does the grin and nod thing before continuing. "And they found out that the Sheriff had heard they were in there and had the place surrounded by guards!"

Behemoth allows a moment for dramatic effect, then continues.

"Meanwhile, in the far away sphere of Dungpit, the archmage Stinkynuts, was putting the final touches on his plan to DESTROY AMBER!"

Allowing another moment for dramatic effect, he begins again with, "But that isn't part of this story.

"Bleys and Brand were screwed. Heh, screwed, get it?" He laughs at his own joke for a while, then trails off when he realises no one else is laughing. "Eh, but little did they realise that their sister Fiona knew they were in trouble and were brewing up a wonderful spell to save them!

"But it would be too late to save them," he says gravely. "So, Madame Lusty, the proprietor of this place hit upon an idea! Osric and Finndo could dress up like women and then sneak out the back and not get caught. So that's what they did. They dressed up like women, and snuck out, and didn't get caught.

"And that, my friends, is how Benedict became king."

Giving a sigh of elation, Behemoth smiles smugly.

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